By Pablee Wong, MC, RCC, RMFT, RPT-S

Anger is a normal human feeling. Children between 6 to 9 years of age have more abilities to put their feelings into words than toddlers. However, children of this age may still require lots of help from parents to manage their impulses. The ability to express anger in a constructive way is an important developmental milestone to be achieved.

When children are feeling angry emotions, they may not know what to do with these feelings unless we show them how. Sometimes they show these angry feelings with facial expressions, with crying, with sucking their thumbs, with holding onto their toys. Sometimes some children may end up dealing with their anger in inappropriate ways or throw tantrums.

Children normally feel angry for a reason. As parents, you can:

  • Help your child learn to be aware & recognize his own anger
  • Help your child to verbalize his angry feelings by acknowledging his anger
  • Offer your child alternative outlets to deal with anger constructively
  • Teach your child to respond to anger by Role Modeling yourself
  • Instead of denying his feelings, you could help him to regulate & manage them

When it comes to guiding children’s expression of their anger, I find that ACT principles (Garry Landreth, 1991) work very well. The ACT model also works well with teaching children to express their feelings as well as setting limits. When working with children in play therapy, I personally use ACT frequently. Most children comply with ACT very well in our play therapy sessions. Parents are also encouraged to try this at home and use it whenever it is appropriate. I recognize that when parents try to use ACT, they may encounter some challenges and some resistance. Our children know us very well and understand our love for them. Therefore, they often try very hard to resist our efforts when it comes to disciplining because they know we may eventually give in due to our love for them.

This is how ACT works:

A – Acknowledge their wants, feelings, behaviours as well as their needs.

  • I know you feel   __________
  • I know you want __________
  • I know you are    __________

* When you acknowledge your children’s feelings, they feel cared for and understood. Instead of just hearing “No…you can’t …” they hear you verbalize their feelings and needs (even though you may disagree with their wants or needs). Acknowledging your children’s feelings will also help them learn to become aware of their emotions.

C – Communicate Limits

  • But it is time for _________________
  • This is not for ________________

* The key to setting limits is to make it situational. Your children would like to know the reasons why they cannot or are not allowed to do certain things. Instead of telling them “you are not supposed to…” “Because I told you so…”, you explain to them a reason that will always apply and is always consistent. E.g. the couch is not for jumping on; the baby is not for hitting, etc.

T – Target Alternatives

  • You can choose ____________ then __________
  • You can choose ____________ or ___________

* Instead of telling your children “Don’t do this…. “, you redirect them to make some responsible choices for their behaviours. When children get to choose for themselves (with you limiting their choices), they are likely to feel empowered or respected.

Let’s put the ACT framework together:
Example 1:
A - I know you are very angry.
C - But it is not ok to hit people when you are angry.
T - You can choose to hit the pillow or jump up and down.

Example 2:
A - I know you would like to eat some cookies now (and I could imagine how wonderful they may taste).
C - But it is time to sleep / for dinner
T - You may choose to eat some cookies after dinner.
If you feel helpless and worried about your child’s anger, please consider seeking help from a professional psychologist or registered counsellor. Children behavioral consultaion, play therapy or filial therapy may also be helpful in some situations.

The Vancouver Wishing Wells Counselling Service provides counselling support for individuals, couples, children, and families in Greater Vancouver. Our office is located in the Vancouver Oakridge area, accessible by Canada Line. Our counselling services include Play Therapy, Filial Therapy, Child Behaviour Consultation and Support, and Counselling for Adolescents. Should you need to discuss with one of our therapists for consultation, please Contact Us for more information.

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