By Rosamond Chan M.C., R.C.C.

It is impossible to avoid adversity. It is also our natural tendency to get rid of the negative feelings associated with adversity. As an automatic response, we may try to blame others or the situation and hope to feel “better”:

  • “My boss made me so mad!”
  • “The financial situation makes me worry.”
  • “If my family can be more understanding, I will feel less shameful about the lay-off.”

At times, we assume that this type of blame should make us feel better because someone or something else is responsible, not us. However, such blame may not be helpful and, instead, would make us feel even more restricted. To consider someone or something else responsible for the adversity is implying that circumstances, events or others’ behaviour determine our moods, feelings, actions and responses. In fact, such kinds of “blaming” games keeps telling us that the faults of someone else or something else is the source of our present unhappiness, and we remain in a position of being out of control and victimized. As a result, we feel more helpless, if not frustrated and depressed.

The ABC theory offers us a different perspective. Most of us think that the Activating events (A) of our lives lead to disturbing Consequences (C). It should be noticed that there is a “B” - our Beliefs, which links “A” and “C” together. “B” is the interpretation or perception that we attach to the Activating events (A) causing the trouble. While we cannot fully control the circumstances or alter other people’s behaviour, we may control or change our beliefs or thinking patterns. In other words, it is possible to regain our sense of control. We can contribute to modify our perceptions and allow new self-statements to direct our moods.

Counselling can help us gain insights about how our internal process, including thinking patterns, contributes to our feelings. The cognitive intervention of some counselling approaches may help by identifying some distorted thoughts that come automatically. Once those distorted thoughts and assumptions are identified, a wide range of interventions can be carried out to challenge them so as to replace them with more realistic and adaptive beliefs. Together with some behavioural techniques, including relaxation, effective communication skills, mood/thoughts tracking, goal setting etc., we can change the way we live our lives, and increase our energy to change for a more enjoyable future. At times, we may just need some guidance and encouragement so that we can regain the power to live a happy life despite the external difficulties and challenges.

** The Vancouver Wishing Wells Counselling Service provides counselling support for individuals, couples, children, and families in Greater Vancouver. Our office is located in the Vancouver West Side - Oakridge area, accessible by Canada Line. Our counselling services include Individual & Couple Counselling, Children Counselling / Play Therapy, Parent-Child Relationship / Filial Therapy, Child Behaviour Consultation, and Counselling for Adolescents. Should you need to discuss with one of our therapists for consultation, please Contact Us for more information.
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