By Pablee Wong, MC, RCC, RMFT, RPT-S

When most of us decided to get married, we made the decision to share a life with a significant other for the rest of our lives. Some of us probably were ecstatic that our dreams had finally come true – that we have finally found a person who would love us dearly for the rest of our lives. Most of us spent lots of time, money and energy on wedding planning as we all wanted the best memory possible.

However, not all of these marriages work out in the end. According to Statistics Canada, the number of divorces took place in BC between 1999 – 2003 are approximate 10,000 each year < Statistics Canada – Divorces & Separation . There are altogether 1,684,714 divorced persons living in our Province in 2007. Unfortunately, the statistics for 2003 – 2008 has not made available to the public yet but we could try to imagine perhaps the numbers may be about the same.

When our marriages are no longer intimate and vibrant, some of us may choose to seek marital counselling support while some decide to part their ways. In the end, instead of a fairy tale with the promise of happily ever after – some of these marriages turn into anger, disappointments, pain and frustration. Whatever the reason causes the separation or whether you agreed – the breakup of a committed relationship can turn your whole world upside down and trigger hurtful and painful emotions.

Yet, what happens after a separation or divorce?

The normal cycle of grief include experiences of Anger, Sadness, Bargaining, Confusion and Re-integration. Gradually, one will come to acceptance of the loss of a marriage and searching for a new normal life for oneself.

Anger
We may feel angry towards ourselves, our spouses, our in-laws or God, etc. Why? Why did I marry such a person? Why? Why didn’t I know better?

Sadness & Confusion
We feel sad regarding the losses as a result from our marriages. After all, our dream is shattered and our plans are interrupted. We may also feel sand and angry towards compound losses as a result from the divorce. Assets are now split into two shares and financial resources are affected.

Self-Blame & Bargaining
Some of us are likely to wonder and blame ourselves – perhaps… I should have been a better husband / wife. Perhaps… only if I was prettier, kinder or more understanding……

If and only if I could have…. Or you could have……….

New Normal
Eventually, we will move on. We will move onto adapting a new life after a divorce. Moving on requires time and some work. Some people may mistake moving on and acceptance as “forgetting”. When someone comes to acceptance of a painful truth, it means that this event will be integrated with one’s life. We grieve our losses and reflect on our past. Such experiences then become part of our history. It is something that as time goes by, we may still remember but the frequency of remembering becomes less often. We may still feel sad occasionally when you remember it down the road but it will no longer be as devastating.

Some Tips on Coping after Divorce or Separation
Acknowledge your feelings & Self-care – It’s normal to feel angry, betrayed, resentful, depressed, disappointed, confused or even relieved. It is important to not deny your own feelings. these feelings or it may prolong the grieving process. Taking good care of yourself is the priority, especially if you have children. Parenting children after divorce is challenging and can be exhausting. (Please refer to the article Co-parenting after Separation & Divorce)

Grieving takes time - Talking with someone about your feelings or journaling some of your losses may help you to grieve. It takes time for you to grieve the loss of plans and dreams you had once envisioned when you got married. There are many losses one experiences after divorce – finances, companionship, support, family time, shared lives, stability, shelter, or even time with children. Some people may feel that it is hard to trust people and choose to isolate oneself. However, remind yourself that you still have a future.

Finding a new normal – It is true that life will not be the same in a lot of ways after divorce. However, it is possible for you to find a “new normal” life. Cultivate new friendships and explore new hobbies/ interests. Give yourself time to heal and to take risks in new relationships. Talking to a therapist will also help you to reflect on your pass and move on to a new integrated life after divorce.

Should you experience a great sense of sadness and continue to feel depressed for a long period of time, please consult your family doctor. You may also consider seeking professional individual counselling support from a registered clinical counsellor.

** The Vancouver Wishing Wells Counselling Service provides counselling support for individuals, couples, children, and families in Greater Vancouver. Our office is located in the Vancouver West Side - Oakridge area, accessible by Canada Line. Our counselling services include Individual & Couple Counselling, Children Counselling / Play Therapy, Parent-Child Relationship / Filial Therapy, Child Behaviour Consultation, and Counselling for Adolescents. Should you need to discuss with one of our therapists for consultation, please Contact Us for more information.